Bo's Little Black Book

it has been a very enjoying week for me. it's 'Raya' and bosses are not around.

So it's HEAVEN! we had a group bfast on Tuesday morning (after coming in at 930am). I left early (about 7pm or so) and went out for a drink session with my girls. have been coming into the office nearly 10am every morning. i got to complete a HUGE bundle of my pending paperworks. updated my worksheet. and now.. surprise surprise.. i get to write to you. AT THE OFFICE! hah! ;)

Tomorrow is Friday and i dont know if i should go out drinking after work or straight home. 

i must admit.

i just cant forget about him. his thot ligering in my mind almost every minute of the day. i keep on looking at my blackberry. expecting to see his name everytime i click my left side button of the bloody gadget. everytime.. i'll get dissapointed as it wasnt his email. 

he has made my life a living hell. i just cant wait for tomorrow. work. for me to get the thought of him out of mind. enough is enough. 

i need to be strong. god please. help me with this.

Raya, it was a bit different in particular.

I can't really remember when was exactly the last time we did the customary 'visiting' bit during raya. Surprisingly, we did this year. Yesterday.

My first sis-in-law, my nephew and 2 nieces spent raya here. We didn't know that my stupid brother actually planned to dump them here after breaking the news that he just got married with one of his affairs mid this year (during their my brother spilt up with his 1st wife). He left his family to spend raya with his new wife and her family. jerk! he's such a drama queen (or should it be king instead?). anyway.. i hate him for that. men are just useless.

speaking of men.. papa is spending raya here this year.  he said that this year should be his 3rd wife turn but she's celebrating back her hometown, Jakarta so papa is spending raya with us instead. probably next year.. he'll get to spend it with his Indonesian wife.. she'll be here next year i think.

hey i didnt realize that i hav sooooo many good looking men in my family. i hav never though that they'll grow up to be handsome young men. seriously. am not making things up. they are my young cousins. like i said, my family and I have not been 'socializing' that much for more that 10 years so basically, the last thing i remembered about most of them is when i was giving 'money gift' during our last raya (ages ago).. and that's it. 

one family in particular was my mum's sister's family. in short.. my aunt and her family. we had a history back then. during my parents rocky period (when she got to know about papa's 2nd family), mama turned to my aunt (her sister) for comfort. it lasted for a few months and i guess my aunt couldnt take it (the additional emational burden) anymore and ditched my mum. she started spreading rumours about my family, especially my mum. not just here in KL, but to the family in Penang as well. it was really bad. 

she said that my mum was trying to seduce his husband. my brothes took drugs and was thrown of uni. one turned bad and went to prison. i left school and became a slut. my sister skipped school and i forgot wat was said more about her. arent the rumours just too much? i dont really know what was the reason for all this alledgment. as i remembered, we didnt do anything towards their family except for asking the only famiy my mum has in KL for comfort during her bad experiance with papa. her sister doesnt really care i guess.

anyway, she came by yesterday. apparently she came earlier a couple of months before seekinng for forgiveness from mama. she wanted to do her small-hajj. Mama forgave her and they have been contacting each other almost every week. yeah probably mama has forgiven her but i can still remember how she acted upon our family. we thot they cared but they just didnt bother. i didnt want meet them at 1st but mama beg us to forget about the past. so pulling my fake smile, i woke up of bed (was sleeping prior to that), looked at the mirror, tried to hand straightened by crumpled baju kurung (didnt work tho), and went downstairs. There they were, looking all pretty with their fake smiles.. i do apologize for being skeptical but i feel so indifferent towards them. 

we talked and updated each other on information. i didnt want to reveal much info. dont want em suddenly to do a background check on  me (hey what do u think? they are gossipers). and then is when i saw their grown up little boys. one is 20 and another is 15. i cant even recoginze them.. all tall and handsome. tell u the truth.. if i see them out in public before.. i might check em out (only a little due to the age gap.. hehe).. they used to be babies where they pestered me everytime i came to their place. they look so different now.

then i realize how far was the distance between my extended family and i. this was the effect of a broken family. wat a harmless divorce (which i thot was a harmless back) actually unconciously made a great impact in my life. i have never thot of it that wat. before.. ive always thot that with or without the 'first' divorce.. my parents will always be the same. dispiteful of each other. getting on both nerves everyday. so it's my job to stop caring about them and start looking out for myself. 

TNG! u sucks! i hope you rot in hell!!

from now onwards, every post will hav the word of the day.

well since that am writing.. why not try to improve my vocab at the same time.  right?

it's the last day.. and i've been a bad girl. damn it!

i resisted myself from sex and alcohol for nearly a month during this ramadhan and on the last day.. i gave up.

i just slept with Mr Single-Malt-Sex.

Bought a bottle of Absolut last night after work.. woke up this morning.. told my mum that i was going to work.. went to his place instead.. we had chickend soup (which he cooked.. not to bad tho) and garlic bread.. then we watched "Hot Fuzz".. hillarious british action comedy (u havta watch it.. i reco it!).. and or course after the drinks and movie.. we did our own action in bed ;) 

by lunch.. i was on my out from his new rent apartment. he said he was off meeting his friend.. but am sure he was about to meet his gf instead. MEN!

yeah i kno.. i was not suppose to sleep with him. because ONE.. it's fasting month. TWO.. he already has a gf.

however im feeling really down lately. i was sooo upset with myself. i cant really explain. even he has even repeatedly ask me the question.. it's just hard for me to explain. everything came at the same time.. and to be honest.. am not that strong anymore.

so i thot by being with him i will feel better but apparently i was wrong. it got worse. i cried while having sex. do u believe that? half way through.. i told him i was tired and i wanted to stop. i covered my eyes with my long messy hair but he did feel that my face is a bit wet. i lied and told him it was sweat and i need to go back coz am just tired. i feel bad for him. but hey.. he has a gf to help him with that ;)

anyway.. one of his close friends called me and was concern as well. he knew about my depression so he just wanted to check whether am doing alright. such a sweetheart isnt he? told him that am not and was not able to talk about it via phone.might go for a drink date after work next week with him.

just for an update. he has yet to call. Mr TNG. hmmm...

am just tired of waiting. so i sent this email to him at 1431hrs today.

" Subject: Hmmm.. Now I wonder..

Hey TNG.. I'm just curious..

Did you and ur ex gf broke up because she couldn't take the distance, or she couldnt take the distance AND the fact that you were not contacting her. Not even a text msg or email? Probably a tinkle dat shows you care. Hmmm..

Wondering,

Queen Bodicea "

this will be my last point of communication to him until he contacts me.. dat if he will.. *siGh*

I hate men! 

am writing again. i want to write again. not just to express my frustration but also to write about my believes and feelings towards life

it course of time.. i know i will change and i want to remember who i was. the only way to do that.. is to write it here.

from just a little girl who knows nothing.. to a full grown woman.

i do want to put my old life behind. but i also want to be reminded for who i was. every detail. every wonderful moment. every sad times.

and i want em all to remain a secret.

my secret.

bo's lil black book of secrets ;)

hurtful me.

how i hate feeling this way.

the last time was CT. to be frank.. he did hurt me a bit. especially after he made me fall for him. fall for him hard. i was stupid enough to think that what we had was the best thing that has happened in my life. he made me feel i was special. but apparently i was just one of his girl. yeah we still keep in touch and ive allowed him to be one of my bottie calls.. but i fell for him at the start. it was stupid.

and now my TNG. i think he is playing me off as well. he hasnt write for about a week now. nothing from him. shush. ever since he went home to California. i dont know what is wrong with me. why am i falling for these kinda men.

i kno from the start what am i getting myself into but i let it be. i am the one who is sposed to be blamed. i let myself get into this kinda situation with these men.

i make believe that these relationships can work but i kno it's just impossible. take CT for an instance. he's staying and working in Spore.. originally from UK. i kno one day he would want to go back to his home land and relationship with a normal local girl from KL is just basically for fun. and it's true tho.. he is going back to UK end of this year. i wish him all the best.

and same goes for TNG. but in this case.. it's worse that with CT. he practically live and work in the US. we met in Spore when i was on my attachment and he was there for some military thingy. we have been in touched via email and he did try to call me when he was in HK and Hawaii but i told him not to. i dont want him to waste money on calls. it's just not worth it. keeping in touch via email is suffice enough i think.

so do i think this will work? well i want to think it will.. but in flesh.. i know it wont. it will just be another guy i had a wonderful time with. he made me feel wonderful. he made me think that probably there is someone for everybody.. regardless where you are. am sure my someone is there.. somewhere.. like me.. waiting.

so what am i going to do next? tell him straight that i think this couldnt work? or just let it be.. and try working things out. he told me that he has actually trying to look for opportunity to be based in either Spore or KL. and i have secretly applying for a 2009 DV there. dont know if things would materialize. if it doesnt.. too bad.

hMMpH.. okie i'll give it a try. i'll try to make things work. am a survivor. am not gonna give up just like that. has never been.. and will not gonna start.

so in the mean time. i'll just wait for his explanation. the delay on the email. and the text msg. he can lie if he wants. however am not gonna let him hurt me. enough is enough.

life is too short to be wasted like that :)

am just tired.

tired of being the problem solver. tired of babysitting. tired of trying to fit the puzzle everytime someone gave up on the piece. 

I'M JUST TIRED!!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!