Bo's Little Black Book

i'll just keep it short and sweet this time. havent wrote for quite a bit now. so need to get the modjo before i start blogging again.

officially on the 10th May 2008, i am somebody's gf ;) it's DJ guy. yeap.. the one i met at the end of 2005. a friend of my ex. who was my movie buddy.

just to keep the long story short. we hit it off again during a vacation cum party trip to one small island here. he was DJ'ing for a friend and we kinda talk about what happened when i just dissapeared from his life last time. i found him adorable and slowly felt for him.

yeah we had sex of course. but only after 2 months officially being with him. Basically i thot that this was a sex-less relationship since that we had spent a nite twice together but nothing happened. but like one old saying goes 'the best will come for those who waits' ;) we finally did it on the 7.7.2008 at my place. mum had to stay over at my brother's.. so i had the house all to myself. we spent 2 wonderful nights together. the sex only started on the 2nd day.. so now u kno what i meant when i said that i thot it was a sex-less relationship, now do u?

more about him? hMph.. i think i have finally fell in love with him. he's the sweetest guy i have ever had. loving and very romantic. i was quite surprise that i fell for him before we had sex. normally i dont.. but this time around was totally different. ahhh... and did i mention that he's hot as well? hMph.. not as hot as i met him in 2006.. but still hot tho.. with a little baby fat here and there.

anyway.. am leaving to singapore soon. i dont kno whether to feel happy or sad. i was actually looking forward for this for quite a while now. the pay is wayyyyy better than what am getting now but the thing is.. my sweet bf is now in the picture.

told him that we need to work things out. it'll be a challenge but am sure we can do this. i hope that i can be that better person for him. and he is for me. 

well..gtg now. have to stick to my plan. to keep this as short as possible. i may come here now and again just to update things on what is going on in my life. will be writing from singapore then ;) 

i haven't write for quite a bit now. one because i dont have an internet connection at home. and of course the major reason is that i dont have the luxury of time anymore. same ol same ol excuses right? ;)

anyway, let's start with what has happened in my life right now. nothing much. i got prom 

i haven't write for quite a bit now. one because i dont have an internet connection at home. and of course the major reason is that i dont have the luxury of time anymore. same ol same ol excuses right? ;)

anyway, let's start with what has happened in my life right now. nothing much. i got prom 

He called. Finally. After 2 long quiet months.

I can’t remember if I told you this that I have actually sent an ultimatum email about a few weeks ago. About 3 weeks before his 'reappearance'. That was the last email. I wrote that if he doest call me before his birthday, on the 11th November, I’d understand that he's finally gone. For good.

To my surprise, just about 2 hours before the countdown to his birthday (2000hrs @ 10/11 his time and mine at 1400hrs @ 11/11) he called. I didn’t know what to do.. or say. He was mumbling. He sounds terrified. I think he was trying to be a man about it. The conversation went something like this.

Him: Bo?
Me: yeah
Him: hmmm..
Me: hey TNG, happy birthday.
Him: thanks. Am sorry I didn’t call. I just got your emails.
Me: righhhhhttttt.. (Accidentally, full or sarcasm)
Him:......
Me: are you alright?
Him: yeah I am
Me: u don’t sound alright
Him: I just got back. I was not in the country. But I was really really near you.
Me: Okie
Him: I was really near you. Am sorry that I didn’t call you. I can explain.. But then u'll think that I am making excuses. I was not ignoring you.
Me: Okie
Him:...
Me: TNG, I just don’t feel like talking right now.
Him: I totally understand and respect your decision.
Me:..
Him: Okie then.. Bye..
Me: bye TNG
*The phone line went dead.

I was soooooo shocked! I just don’t know what to say. He caught me by surprise. Tell you the truth.. I had everything planned. I was waiting for the clock to strike 4pm, so that it will be midnight at his place and then I’ll just text him a simple birthday wish. Which officially tells myself, that's it. No more confusions from him. I just didn’t understand why he would do that. Call me.. When he can just text me instead..

I actually cried right after the call. It seems that my life is crumbling on me again. With the same reason.. Men.. Damn it! I just hate them! When I was just able to accept that he's ignoring me.. Then he comes back. TNG.. U are the most wicked man in the whole wide world.

But that was not the last time I heard from him. He actually called me again. The same night. And here goes the conversation..

Him: hi Bo
Me: owh hi TNG. hMmm.. What time is it now?
Him: it's 1030am here. What time is it over there?
Me: it's 230am
Him: owh sorry. But I just need to tell you something
Me: huh?
Him: *mumble mumble mumble*
Me: huh? Sorry? The line is bad. What is it again?
Him: I care for you, Bo
Me: righhhttttttt (the same accidentally full of sarcasm reply)
Him:....
me:....
him: are you going to work tomorrow?
me: yeah
him: well, then I should let you sleep. am sorry if I interrupted your sleep
me: it's Okie..
him: bye Bo
me: bye TNG. have a wonderful birthday.
him: thanks.
*I ended the conversation by clicking the red button.

there.. the last point of contact we had. I couldn’t sleep after that. kept thinking about him. I desperately wanted to hear his reasons.. but I know am just trying to fool myself. he doesn’t have any real concrete reason for doing what he did to me. 2 fucking silence MONTH!! what reason do you have for that?

I know he went back to Thailand for his friend's wedding. that was what he meant by he was near to me. he should have called. or probably drop me a text msg. but he didn’t. and I have actually texted him once.. but the reply was disappointing. as though he didn’t know my number. that was exactly after a month of his disappearance act.

I wish he could just leave me like that. I didn’t know what was intention for calling me and saying those you-care-about-you shit. it has been a week after his last call. he's back on silent mode again. I just don’t understand what he's doing to me. but I came up with several 'reasons' why he was acting so weird:

1. He's married.
2. He finally realizes that our so-called relationship just couldn’t work. the distance is too damn bloody a lot.
3. He got back to his ex gf
4, He's going to be posted in Iraq. he once told me that his boss offered him for a post there. good money but very risky, and I told him not to.. coz it's dangerous.
5. He just plain playing with me. he never had any interest in having a serious relationship with me.

that’s the best possible reasons (or rather excuses for me to feel good about). but I know that I have been plain screwed. he doesn’t have a reason. he just wants me out of his life.

I sent a final email to him. stating that I didn’t know how to react when he called. but I didn’t receive a reply. deep down I wanted him to reply. to explain.. and beg me to forgive him. but that's only a thought. which will never happened. I know I know.. pathetic Bo!

so here goes.. am gonna delete him from my life and move on. first thing first.. I need to find a rebound guy. a new rebound guy.. I need to get laid. the last laid I had was with Mr. Single Malt about a month ago. I need fresh meat.

I don’t know how and where am gonna find one. but am gonna ;)

i must admit.

i just cant forget about him. his thot ligering in my mind almost every minute of the day. i keep on looking at my blackberry. expecting to see his name everytime i click my left side button of the bloody gadget. everytime.. i'll get dissapointed as it wasnt his email. 

he has made my life a living hell. i just cant wait for tomorrow. work. for me to get the thought of him out of mind. enough is enough. 

i need to be strong. god please. help me with this.

TNG! u sucks! i hope you rot in hell!!

it's the last day.. and i've been a bad girl. damn it!

i resisted myself from sex and alcohol for nearly a month during this ramadhan and on the last day.. i gave up.

i just slept with Mr Single-Malt-Sex.

Bought a bottle of Absolut last night after work.. woke up this morning.. told my mum that i was going to work.. went to his place instead.. we had chickend soup (which he cooked.. not to bad tho) and garlic bread.. then we watched "Hot Fuzz".. hillarious british action comedy (u havta watch it.. i reco it!).. and or course after the drinks and movie.. we did our own action in bed ;) 

by lunch.. i was on my out from his new rent apartment. he said he was off meeting his friend.. but am sure he was about to meet his gf instead. MEN!

yeah i kno.. i was not suppose to sleep with him. because ONE.. it's fasting month. TWO.. he already has a gf.

however im feeling really down lately. i was sooo upset with myself. i cant really explain. even he has even repeatedly ask me the question.. it's just hard for me to explain. everything came at the same time.. and to be honest.. am not that strong anymore.

so i thot by being with him i will feel better but apparently i was wrong. it got worse. i cried while having sex. do u believe that? half way through.. i told him i was tired and i wanted to stop. i covered my eyes with my long messy hair but he did feel that my face is a bit wet. i lied and told him it was sweat and i need to go back coz am just tired. i feel bad for him. but hey.. he has a gf to help him with that ;)

anyway.. one of his close friends called me and was concern as well. he knew about my depression so he just wanted to check whether am doing alright. such a sweetheart isnt he? told him that am not and was not able to talk about it via phone.might go for a drink date after work next week with him.

just for an update. he has yet to call. Mr TNG. hmmm...

am just tired of waiting. so i sent this email to him at 1431hrs today.

" Subject: Hmmm.. Now I wonder..

Hey TNG.. I'm just curious..

Did you and ur ex gf broke up because she couldn't take the distance, or she couldnt take the distance AND the fact that you were not contacting her. Not even a text msg or email? Probably a tinkle dat shows you care. Hmmm..

Wondering,

Queen Bodicea "

this will be my last point of communication to him until he contacts me.. dat if he will.. *siGh*

I hate men! 

hurtful me.

how i hate feeling this way.

the last time was CT. to be frank.. he did hurt me a bit. especially after he made me fall for him. fall for him hard. i was stupid enough to think that what we had was the best thing that has happened in my life. he made me feel i was special. but apparently i was just one of his girl. yeah we still keep in touch and ive allowed him to be one of my bottie calls.. but i fell for him at the start. it was stupid.

and now my TNG. i think he is playing me off as well. he hasnt write for about a week now. nothing from him. shush. ever since he went home to California. i dont know what is wrong with me. why am i falling for these kinda men.

i kno from the start what am i getting myself into but i let it be. i am the one who is sposed to be blamed. i let myself get into this kinda situation with these men.

i make believe that these relationships can work but i kno it's just impossible. take CT for an instance. he's staying and working in Spore.. originally from UK. i kno one day he would want to go back to his home land and relationship with a normal local girl from KL is just basically for fun. and it's true tho.. he is going back to UK end of this year. i wish him all the best.

and same goes for TNG. but in this case.. it's worse that with CT. he practically live and work in the US. we met in Spore when i was on my attachment and he was there for some military thingy. we have been in touched via email and he did try to call me when he was in HK and Hawaii but i told him not to. i dont want him to waste money on calls. it's just not worth it. keeping in touch via email is suffice enough i think.

so do i think this will work? well i want to think it will.. but in flesh.. i know it wont. it will just be another guy i had a wonderful time with. he made me feel wonderful. he made me think that probably there is someone for everybody.. regardless where you are. am sure my someone is there.. somewhere.. like me.. waiting.

so what am i going to do next? tell him straight that i think this couldnt work? or just let it be.. and try working things out. he told me that he has actually trying to look for opportunity to be based in either Spore or KL. and i have secretly applying for a 2009 DV there. dont know if things would materialize. if it doesnt.. too bad.

hMMpH.. okie i'll give it a try. i'll try to make things work. am a survivor. am not gonna give up just like that. has never been.. and will not gonna start.

so in the mean time. i'll just wait for his explanation. the delay on the email. and the text msg. he can lie if he wants. however am not gonna let him hurt me. enough is enough.

life is too short to be wasted like that :)

damn my exes.

I just had another paranoia attack last night. was thinking what TNG. he hasnt write to me since a week ago. so i decided to drop him a text msg.. but got a reply, "whaz up, bro?". me? bro? doesnt he has my number in his phone book? damn it! i texted him quite early.. about 5am his time.. mine was around 8pm here. i didnt realize his time when i was sending the msg.. so i got his reply quite late as well (my time). probably he just got up when he replied.

i so hope that he actually gave me his friend's number so that was the confusion with the 'bro' thingy.

but if my paranoia self talking or thinking; it'll be like this.

"TNG got my text msg when he was sleeping with his gf. then they had a minor argument. to prove to his gf that it's just one of his buddies in KL texting him, he replied, "whaz up, bro?"."

Cool imagination huh? but i got the feeling that it is how it went. if that is really his number..  it's just impossible that he doesnt have my number. it's just freaking impossible coz am using a Malaysian number. unless he has many Malaysian friends which i doubt so.

No i just remembered why i didnt let anyone into my life for a long time. because of this stupid feeling!.. being vulnarable. weak. especially when i hav no control of the situation. he is sooooo far from here. i dont kno what is he doing. i used to based relationship on trust but after what my ex did.. i totally lose control. my mind keep playing games with me.

yeah sure i can do the same as well.. i mean cheat or something.. but if i do.. there's also the possibility that he is not cheating too. i dont want to keep on cheating and ruin all the relationship am going through. i want to try this time. work for it. so i need to fight this paranoid feeling. i want to change.

i'll give it another week. if i dont receieve a reply by then.. that's it. am gonna move on. 

anyway, just to update you. today is CT's birthday. 38 this year. sweet guy.. but he is a heartbreaker. i used to like him once. but no more. left a text msg.. wishing him a good birthday. and a facepic msg. that's it.

and i also applied for the US Diversity Visa onine lottery yesterday. i want to do something in my life. i want to migrate. live somewhere far far far away from home. start a new life. i just want to leave what i have now.. and try to build something new. for myself this time. no more thinking about what other ppl expect from me. i want to do what i want. period.